Going through a divorce and finding many points of contention? Are there some details that just can’t seem to be agreed upon? Do you find it difficult to have a conversation with your spouse – much less a civil one when discussing the end of your marriage? If so, maybe you need a referee. Or a divorce mediator.

Divorce mediation is a tool appropriate for most people who are divorcing or have family disagreements resulting from a divorce. Most marriages are at the point of divorce because of those conflicts and communication issues that have brought them to the brink. Sometimes it’s helpful to bring in an impartial third party –the divorce mediator – to help settle those differences.  The divorce mediators are skilled in helping the couple negotiate amicably, despite these types of issues. The couple must be committed  to the divorce mediation process and be willing to put aside personal differences for the sake of smoothing the process.

In divorce mediation, a couple works with a neutral third party divorce mediator, or sometimes, a team of two neutral third party divorce mediators, to help them make the difficult and unpleasant decisions that go along in a divorce. The couple meets with the divorce mediator over a period of weeks, or months if needed, to gather facts, discuss goals, brainstorm options and choose solutions.
While the divorce mediator guides this process, the divorcing couple makes the final decision.

A divorce mediator will step in to offer possible solutions to the couple’s issues if the parties can’t find the answers on their own. Some divorce mediators, especially those with legal backgrounds, or attorney mediators, will lend insight about how it may go in divorce court, but the couple is generally free reject the divorce mediator’s suggestion. One exception is when the solution the couple chooses, in the opinion of the divorce mediator, is so far from normal legal divorce statues that the divorce mediator believes a judge will not accept the proposed agreement. It would then be a disservice to the clients on the divorce mediators part to allow them to go to court with an agreement that they cannot adequately justify to a judge. This would be a waste of the divorce mediator’s client’s time, and money.

So, is divorce mediation right for you? If you can answer “yes” to questions like these, you are a very good candidate.

1. Are you concerned about the long-term well being of your children, and do you desire to be equal participants in raising them?
2. Do you believe your money is better spent on the family and the kids than teams of lawyers in a divorce court?
3. Are you able to honestly consider the implications of your decisions where your spouse is concerned? Do you want it to end well with the possibility of peaceful post-divorce coexistence?
4. Do you want to get through the divorce as painlessly as possible and move on with your life?
5. Are you less concerned about “seeking revenge” against your spouse than trying to prepare for a life as a divorced person?

Going through a divorce is a contentious process. Spouses are in disagreement about what life after the divorce will look like for themselves, their children, and their family around them. The classic “Divorce Court” TV show style is to hire a couple of free-swinging lawyers, loose them in the court of battle, and let them duke it out for each side. This can accomplish the ending of a marriage, but can leave many points of disagreement, especially over custody of the children. How wealth and property is divided is a big one, too. Constant post-divorce struggles over the kids and where they’ll live and how often an ex-spouse gets to see them makes the exes combatants, when they should be concentrating on being parents.

What if there was a way to work things out in a calm and civil way before heading to divorce court, to settle points of contention beforehand, to make the divorce more amicable?

The answer could be in divorce mediation.

Pilar Sanders, wife of NFL Hall of Fame cornerback Deion “Prime Time” Sanders, filed for divorce last January, accusing her husband of 12 years of ”numerous” acts of adultery and “physical, mental and emotional abuse.” The documents, filed in Texas, also accuse Sanders of being a “bully” who “suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder.” Pilar Sanders was also seeking sole legal custody of the couple’s three mutual children, and to have their prenuptial agreement tossed out, according to celebrity gossip website TMZ. The accusations are familiar. In 1996 Deion Sanders’ former wife Carolyn filed for divorce and also accused former Atlanta Falcon, Dallas Cowboy and San Francisco 49er of “cruel treatment and adultery.” That couple tried to reconcile, but split for good in 1998.

The proceedings have been a messy celebrity divorce sideshow (fodder for their reality TV show “Deion & Pilar: Prime Time Love” on the Oxygen network ) and have spilled over into social media, with a daughter from his first marriage, Deiondra, engaging in all-out war on Twitter against Pilar, her stepmother, calling her an “adulterous gold digger”. She also alleged that Pilar Sanders, her stepmother, was guilty of adultery  of her own. Pilar Sanders has always counted that her husband has a “narcissistic personality” and is unconcerned with anyone but himself. Pilar Sanders has stated she wants sole legal custody of the children and a majority chunk of their joint property, effectively throwing out the couple’s prenuptial agreement, explaining the penance for his alleged infidelity should be a majority of their joint wealth.

So, trouble at the $21 million dollar Prosper, Tx. ranch. Why should we care? What does a celebrity divorce have to do with the rest of us?

Celebrity divorces increase ratings for television shows and drive hits on gossip websites, but they also keep key divorce concepts in the public discourse. Key points in the Deion Sanders -Pilar Sanders split are (alleged) adultery, infidelity, abuse, sole legal child custody, division of property and their prenuptial agreement. Celebrity divorces get more media attention than Mr. and Mrs. Jones’ split-up, but that doesn’t mean they’re any less painful and traumatic.

The questions Deion and Pilar Sanders must answer is how to divide their wealth, including that $21 million ranch bungalow on the North Texas plains, and whether their prenuptial agreement will be thrown out. Pilar claims she was forced to sign the prenup under duress, but Deion Sanders disagrees — according to his lawyer, “Mr. Sanders committed to a generous financial agreement with his wife when they both voluntarily signed a premarital agreement that they presented to the judge for approval.” The ironic detail in this divorce, especially given she’s cited adultery and infidelity as a root cause is this: When Deion was married to his first wife Carolyn, he had an affair with – with for it – Pilar herself!

For a former football star, that sounds like illegal procedure and unsportsmanlike conduct rolled into one.

Despite public appearances over the years proclaiming their undying love, Seal and Heidi Klum who announced their split three months ago, have filed for divorce. According to People magazine, Heidi Klum filed for divorce Friday afternoon.

The beautiful power couple were married since 2005 and have four children together. Klum also has another daughter from a previous relationship. The seven year marriage was seen as unusually successful for celebrity marriages.

In late January the couple stated that although they enjoyed their marriage they were separating, “While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition. We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children’s sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy.”

The divorce decree filed by Klum states that her and Seal had “irreconcilable differences.” The couple have filed for joint custody, although Klum will have physical contact and allow Seal to have visitation rights.

Seal has also spoken out about the marriage and the split. Seal confided to Ellen Degeneres on her show that the couple had attempted to work through their issues and they did the best they could to make it work but they had simply grown apart.

Heidi Klum modeling

Klum concurred in March in a story in Elle magazine. She also admitted that all couples struggle in marriage. Klum has voiced her concern about the publicity surrounding the divorce and hopes for the children’s sake that the information printed and reported will stay positive. She stated she does not “think it’s necessary — especially for our children — to have the lows being printed in magazines and talked about.”

Klum became known when she appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition and the Victoria Secret Catalog. She has also broadened her career with several acting stints on Sex and the City and Spin City.

She has remained busy through the years with shows such as Project Runway, which allows contestants to compete for a chance to display their fashions in New York during Fashion week and also hosting Germany’s Next Top Model in 2005. Additionally, she has developed a clothing line, perfume line, jewelry and shoes.

Seal is a British soul singer/songwriter who has had a successful career spanning more than a decade. According to Wikipedia, his records have sold more than 20 million copies internationally.

The couple reportedly signed a prenuptial agreement which allowed for their assets to remain separate. According to reports there is also no community property for the couple to separate. Klum has reportedly asked that the judge rejects any requests for spousal support.

Although it is not necessarily big news that a model and singer are getting divorced if you are getting divorced you may need the services of a divorce lawyer. Complete the FREE evaluation form for more information

Building a marriage is like building a house. Both need a firm foundation to steady the construction, to provide a solid base to grow atop. But what happens when that foundation becomes cracked and weakened? Is it time to move the house to Splitsville, tear it down and build another one, or call a foundation repair specialist to shore it up to keep it from falling down?

Houses are built on concrete foundations. Marriages are built on promises, vows…trust. If there is no longer trust between the spouses, can the marriage survive?  Is divorce the only option?

Trust is the foundation of all relationships, and especially important in marriage – the closest relationship possible between human beings. Restoring trust is not impossible, but it takes a great deal of effort. The question both partners must ask themselves is, “Am I willing to try?” Restoring trust in a marriage is really like beginning the relationship all over again. Past hurts cannot be forgotten, but hopefully forgiven, and the breaker of the trust must prove they are again worthy of their partner’s trust. This rebuilding can be a slow and gradual process. It is possible, despite statistics that show as many as half of all marriages collapse into divorce. Just like in a new home construction, there are definite steps to take, by the betrayer and by the partner betrayed.

For the betraying spouse, there are four key steps to take:

• Responsibility - The first thing to do is acknowledge what you did was wrong, apologize to your partner and ask them for another chance. A second chance will undoubtedly be the last thing on your spouse’s mind, but with the following steps, it can possibly be a destination you arrive at together.
• Accountability – The breaker of the trust must become transparent, an open book. Every aspect of your life must be open to inspection and subject to scrutiny. There can be no secrets, no hollow words or empty promises. Say what you mean and mean what you say. You are starting all over again and have to prove to your spouse you are worthy of their trust.
• Predictability – Your behavior should be consistent. No surprises here. Consistent behavior encourages trust and helps negate doubt. Keep appointments. For instance, if you had a marriage counseling appointment for 4 p.m. don’t show up at 4:15. Arriving late shows you’re not worthy of trust, renewing doubt. If you saw you will pick up a gallon of milk on the way home, do it.
• Patience – This is very important. Trust in a marriage was built up over the course of a relationship. When it is broken, it is not repaired overnight. Do not become impatient with your spouse or try to rush them. They are in recovery and that process has its own timeframe. It will be a slow process, but must develop naturally.

Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus as evidence in a divorce trial? But it all seems so innocent. The fabulous ability to communicate and be up-to-the-very-second on the lives of all your friends and contacts. But — as with any tool — it can be used for good or evil. Good when it comes to matters of marriage can be using social media to strengthen our bonds with our partner by sharing not only sharing the days happenings with each other but giving yourself a boost by networking with a wide friend community on the comings and goings of your lives together. (Taken to the extreme, though, this can be saccharine sweet: “I love you to pieces, my darling wife” as a constant post on Twitter or Facebook can be enough to give your social network a collective toothache).

Evil can take a mild form: picture a Tom and Jerry-like cartoon where your Facebook friends/community are little cartoon characters that you summon up in your life on your shoulder every time you pick up your phone to check your status (and they start taking over your life and your time as a couple or family — the minutes of status-checking easily turning into hours). Evil can take a serious form, too: You innocently reach out to an old flame and find yourself telling them things you’d never share with your wife or husband. The emotional intimacy growing.

Social networking as evidence in divorce trials

As this medium is only in its infancy, the connection of social networking to divorce is a new area for researchers and divorce attorneys. In the few years that social media has taken center stage in popular culture, though, it has been used repeatedly as evidence in divorce trials. Many American lawyers are reporting Facebook as a primary source of evidence in divorce trials. In fact, a 2010 survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) found that four out of five lawyers reported using social networking sites — most frequently Facebook — in their evidence presented during divorce proceedings.

Though more time needs to pass for researchers to draw any clear conclusions from social media use and the dissolution of marriage, one thing is certain:  people are spending more time on the social networking sites each year. A November 2011 Nielsen study showed that an average of over 319,000 people per month globally were spending over 6 hours on Facebook alone. Future research might study those hours versus the hours a person spends devoted to his marriage and draw interesting conclusions.

Texting and divorce – no LOL matter

And then there’s texting. In a November 2011 poll by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML), more than 90 percent of America’s top divorce attorneys cited an increase in divorce trial evidence from iPhones and other smartphones in the past three years. Venting in a text message, in a Facebook post, or in an e-mail are all forms of writing — even though they may seem immediate and disposable. The organization who conducted the poll cautions: don’t write or send anything you wouldn’t share with a judge because ultimately a judge can see all forms of written venting.

Related links

If you are facing divorce: the process

Divorce in the traditional media

One of you is a rabid spender. The other the most miserly of money Scrooges. But you fell for each other and thought it was a match made in heaven. How many couples talk about money issues before they get married? Take heart if you didn’t quiz each other on your spending and saving habits long before you got married and you find yourselves squarely facing money and honesty issues in your marriage now. Many couples wake up one day long into their marriage and realize that they have money honesty issues with each other that keep coming up as a source of arguments. And, dishonesty around spending habits in a marriage can just as likely lead to divorce as physical or emotional infidelity.

What is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity is where one person in a relationship is dishonest with his per her partner about spending habits. Financial infidelity can be what may be considered small (you’ll just sneak that Target shoes and purse purchase into the grocery budget this month and he’ll never know) or large (one partner sells a large amount of stock meant for retirement or the kids’ college fund without telling his spouse). It can lead to a cancer that erodes the trust and foundation in any marriage and it’s more commonplace than you might think.  A recent Harris Interactive poll of nearly 2000 adults cited one in three adults as having lied to their partner about how they spent their money. And money has been called one of the top three reasons for divorce.

What can be done

Getting the topic out in the open — whether you’re just engaged or 20 years into a marriage — is key when it comes to financial infidelity.

1. Get it out in the open – Let your issues see the light of day. Truly talk with each other regularly about spending or saving habits. If you’re not yet married, talk about how money was treated in your family and what your goals are for saving and buying (would you rather build up your retirement with any extra savings or enjoy a vacation?) Some couples even investigate and share their credit ratings with each other to see their compatibility on spending and saving before they get married.

2. Budgeting and tracking – Take action and set up a plan for spending and saving. This can be as simple as setting up a spreadsheet with categories for your expenses and jointly making sure you have enough left over at the end of  each month. Or, you can download an app that lets you each track your purchases and automatically send to each other that syncs to a money management software tool.

3. Acknowledge your money differences – If one of you makes more money than the other, it may be important for the spouse with less earnings to feel they have control in the relationship as well to spend a certain amount of money as they see fit each month. You may need to acknowledge to the other that you may not always agree with how your spouse wants to spend the money — but that you need to hear about it from each other so there is no sneaking around.

4. Treat each other with respect – Ask yourself before clicking that link to buy or hand over your credit card to the clerk at the register, is this something I’d feel comfortable with my spouse knowing about? If the answer is “no” it may be financial infidelity to purchase and not tell or discuss it with your partner in advance.

Serious financial infidelity issues can be irreparable. You may have heard stories about couples bankrupt because one person in the marriage spent what they didn’t have as a couple and this ultimately ended their marriage. If so, it is critical to seek the advice of a good divorce attorney skilled in financial issues of divorce to help you become financially whole again.

Related links 

Getting a fresh financial start

If you choose divorce: the process

One thing is certain in life and that is change is a constant. And so it is in divorce as well.

Changes in divorce agreements are called modifications. A couple or either party in a divorce may find it necessary to revise their agreement due to changes in circumstances. Some examples of these:

• you’ve had a change in your financial or life situation
• parents of children involved in divorce are moving
• a change in alimony agreements
• a change in how property will be provided or debt dispersed

That little voice inside you has been at you. Something is not right with your relationship. You suspect the worst. The signs are there. And then, sadly and finally, you come to the realization that your partner is having an affair. What’s next? Just know that many have walked this path before you and it’s worth learning about the subject itself to realize there are answers and options.

A surprisingly wide definition of infidelity

We commonly think of infidelity as physical: cheating by having sex outside of marriage. But, it’s also defined as breaking the trust of being sexually exclusive with each other. It is about lying, betrayal and disloyalty to your partner. You can actually be considered to be unfaithful in a committed relationship in a number of ways:

• Physically – involving sex with someone outside your marriage
• Financially – lying to your partner about money or spending issues
• Emotionally – where you’re sharing time, love and attention with someone (it can be physically or even online) outside your relationship
• In the workplace – where you cheat on your partner by having an affair with someone at your workplace

There’s even a classification of exact types of infidelity like Opportunistic, Obligatory, Romantic, Conflicted Romantic or Commemorative Infidelity but, Wikipedia definitions aside, the pain is universal no matter how you define the act. And, so that you really see you’re not alone, statistics show that  cheating happens in anywhere from 20 % to 60% of all marriages.

Facing the facts of infidelity: What are your options?

Divorce is not the only option if you find your spouse has been cheating on you. Many couples have found they can overcome the “big bang” of infidelity rocking their relationship and have emerged with their relationship not only in tact — but  renewed with more urgency placed on honesty and commitment to each other. They’ve done this in a number of ways including giving space to the spouse who’s been cheated on to come to grips with it, for the cheating spouse to stop cheating and stay committed to repairing the relationship, through a spiritual solution in turning to God and through marriage counseling with a licensed therapist. So, it’s no doubt a formidable task to mend a cheating heart and heal a marriage, but it is not insurmountable.

Overcoming it for your sake and your kids’ sake 

Letting the infidelity tear apart your marriage can take a toll on you emotionally and also physically. The Mayo Clinic posts the importance of trying to reconcile your marriage after infidelity, if not for the sake of keeping your marriage together and lessen pain on you and children you may have, but for health reasons as well.  When children are involved, the effects can be lasting so careful consideration must be put into the decision on whether to end your marriage. It’s each couples’ decision based on the nature of their kids on whether they tell their kids about the affair but some things to consider:

- If the kids are young, you may want to skip telling them the reason and just say that parents are human and make mistakes and you’re trying to work on it together

- If your kids are teens, you may opt to be honest with them but in all cases, don’t make them feel that they were in any way responsible for any problems in your marriage. Also always let them know — no matter what they’re age — that they’re loved. Resist leaning on the teen as a confidant or counselor — letting them know this is not their issue but yours both to solve together.

If divorce is the only option

You may come to the realization that divorce is the only way out of the situation. If so, it’s critical you find a qualified divorce attorney who can help you get through the process expeditiously. Most U.S. states recognize adultery as a viable ground for divorce. The legal issues surrounding adultery vary by state — and so do “fault”/”no fault” laws — where you may be required to show proof that one spouse cheated before being granted a divorce. There is also a considerable financial consideration if you’re considering a divorce and a set process to undergo so all the more reason to find a qualified divorce attorney to guide you through the process.

Related Links

Tracking a cheating spouse with GPS

Deciding on divorce: A look at the process 

The ways to end a marriage are nearly as diverse as the ways to get married nowadays. One of these ways is legal separation.

What does it mean and why should a couple consider a legal separation?

A legal separation can offer a way for a couple to be apart and try to settle their differences without divorcing. In a legal separation, the couple is separated, but they are still legally married. Generally, it takes the form of a couple living apart from each other. Sometimes, they legally separate on moral or religious grounds because they do not believe in divorce. It’s also a way for a couple to — while apart — consider whether or not divorce should be the next step. One advantage is that it does allow the couple to carry on with medical, military, disability and tax benefits.

The legal separation process

If you’re considering a legal separation, you’ll need a court order that lays out each person’s rights. Make sure you and your partner draft something you’d be comfortable with not only through the separation but if the separation moves into divorce — as courts sometimes use the legal separation agreement as the basis for the divorce agreement. Note that the following states don’t recognize a legal documentation of separation: Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Pennsylvania, and Texas. In these states, attorneys are limited as to what they can do to protect the couple while they are separated. Sometimes, couples in these states decide to have an attorney draft a partition and exchange agreement where — the couple still stays legally married — but perhaps their finances are quite complicated so they divide their financial assets and property and register it in the county they reside. Other than this, they are limited in these states — i.e. the legal status is either divorce or not divorced.

What if children are involved?

A legal separation not only addresses your division of assets, it can also address anything that may have to do with children — like custody and your schedules for child visitation. You should note that a legal separation can take just as long and cost as much as a divorce, but it does give you an option if you have a moral or religious disagreement with the concept of divorce or if you’d like to try a period of time apart from each other toward reconciliation. In any scenario, each couple should take time to prepare your children appropriately for the change in the family.

If legal separation is followed by a divorce

You should keep in mind that, with a legal separation, you are establishing a precedent for the decisions you make — around finances, your property, your children. If you and your partner decide to legally divorce after a legal separation, you’ll go back to court of file for divorce and the items that you decided upon for your separation may stick for the divorce and be accepted by the courts. So, you both as a couple should consider if you could permanently live with whatever you are deciding for your separation as it may become precedent and the permanent agreement in your divorce. Always consult with an attorney before entering into a legal separation so you’re drafting an agreement you will be satisfied with afterwards if it moves to a divorce.

Related links

More on divorce law

How separation effects Social Security